Get Your Balls Back

Boy with Ball
“Boy with Ball” by Andrew Spencer

I spent my teens and twenties wandering around without my balls.

This is not abnormal;  most men wander around without their balls these days.

We worry that we are going to hurt, offend, or exclude someone so much that we waste huge amounts of effort trying to be “safe”, “kind”, and “progressive.”  We imagine that somewhere someone signed into holy writ that if we are just “nice” and “easy going” that we won’t have to feel guilty, won’t have to deal with conflict, and won’t be bullied.  And we want to believe that so hard that we ignore every last bit of evidence to the contrary.

We ignore the fact that people walk all over us using guilt trips, bad laws, and social justice nonsense.  We ignore the fact that being “nice” only means we get frustrated when we are passed over for promotions, treated like dirt by our managers, and get our sexual kicks in front of a computer screen at night because our wives and girlfriends (or boyfriends, for that matter,) can’t think of anything they would like to do less than spend another night pretending we still had our balls.

We are totally blind to the fact that it is our niceness that leads us to feel frustrated, sad, and empty… and leads us to explode into arguments and conflicts every few weeks.

We politely pretend that the dribble people try to peddle us about our male privilege is a manipulative guilt trip wrapped in academic horse shit.  We parrot all their talking points, signal our virtue, and hope that somehow the guilt will stop. And along the way we shrug and pretend it makes sense that a guy who doesn’t want to exclude anyone has to do so by excluding himself.

And then we wonder why we are depressed, miserable, constantly arguing, and addicted to porn.

When I turned 30, I decided I was sick of feeling that way all the time.  I gave up on the stupid starving artist thing, and I decided to start a business, make some money, and start looking for solutions to my problems for a change of pace.  I updated my education, changed my attitude, changed my politics, and changed my out look.  And somewhere along the way, I got my balls back.

I stopped trying to be “nice” and “easy going”, and started saying what I thought.  I stopped trying to avoid conflict, and started dealing with it by being straight, honest, and assertive. I stopped waiting for other people to be kind to me, and started being kind to myself.  Instead of hoping people might throw me a bone, I went out and started bringing home the woolly mammoth. Because of it I have a lot less conflict in my life.  My marriage is sensual and fun. I am not struggling with guilt all the time. I am healthy, and I am, for the most part, happy.

And, sadly, that is not something I cannot say for almost every other man that I know.

I wasted about seventeen years of my life wandering around without my balls.  Seventeen long years of a life that will probably be short because of dodgy genetics, years of fighting with my weight, and depression – wasted – locked into memories of being sad, lonely, angry, and constantly guilty.  I hate that I lost them, and I hate it more to see other men wasting even longer years doing the same.

And that’s why I started this blog and this branch of my business.  Because life is so much better once you get your balls back, and start applying some masculine power to the problems of your life. I hate how much time I wasted when life is so short.  I want to help other men get theirs back before it is too late.

It also staggers me how many men who want to do the same lose the thread; how they want to turn other men into clones of themselves. Or to join them in wasting even more time raging against “society” or “women” or whatever else they think caused them to give up their balls.  It drives me mad how many people want to help men by turning them into perfect replicas of themselves. Be they PUAs, M(h)RAs, Men’s Coaches, or Mythopoets.  As if it were any better to hand us back our balls, then throw a bag over our face.

I don’t want clones of me.  I want a bunch of happy, healthy men who have it in them to make the world a better place; who are bringing raw masculine power to bear on the problems in our world.  I want a world full of men who will loudly and honestly argue with me because they know better – rather than because they are trying to look heroic to their girlfriends or professors.  I want to see men who come by their values honestly and believe in the things they are saying shaping the world – even if their values are different from mine.  I want real competition in my business with guys who think they can do a better job than me of bringing out the best in other people.

Getting your balls back isn’t hard, if you are willing to be intellectually honest, and willing to live with the fact that you have wasted a big chunk of your limited time either trying to please people who don’t respect you, and running away from your character flaws rather than fixing them. It helps if you have someone who is willing to keep you honest and walk you through the hard parts and call you on your bullshit when you try to take a short cut. Here are the basics:

Stop Whining: Nobody cares about your feelings and they are not going to hand you a damn thing.  There are people who will offer to fix your problems – mostly politicians – by pointing a gun called “Law” at other people and robbing them to give you free shit; these people will just create more problems. Or you can start doing everything in your power to try fixing your problems with hard work and scary interactions. At which point the only time you get to talk about your problems is when you are looking for ways to fix them.

Focus on  Your Own Issues: You can’t fix other people; you can’t change their minds; and you can’t make them better. Trying to cure Dude A of his supposed misogyny, and Chick B of her low self-esteem is just giving you excuses for not cleaning your own house.  Trying to control other people just makes you frustrated and abusive.  Fix your problems first, then you can help others – when they ask you because they are ready and you have inspired them by being an example.

Stop Trying to Impress Other People: It doesn’t matter that Dude C and Chick D think you are the coolest person in the world if you are constantly depressed and miserable.  It doesn’t matter that some assholes on social media give you a thousand likes for saying something they agree with if you only said it to get likes.  It doesn’t matter if the people at your Church think you are a pillar of the community if your kid can’t respect you and your wife won’t sleep with you because you don’t respect yourself.  For every virtuous or impressive thing you are doing, honestly ask yourself if this is real virtue, or if you are just virtue signalling in order to get a pat on the head.

Refuse to Believe that You are a Monster: Whether it is because of white privilege, patriarchy, rape culture, toxic masculinity, racism, sexism, or whatever other accusation people throw at you, don’t accept any idea that makes you an original sinner.  Refuse to let anyone tell you that you are bad person because of your skin tone, genitalia, heritage, religion, politics, or what someone else assumes you must think.  The only thing that makes you a monster is your actions. And anyone peddling you original sin wants to get power over you or profit by selling indulgences.

Start Thinking for Yourself: A good beginning is to start going through your beliefs and start asking yourself “do I really believe this because I think it is right and true, or do I believe it because someone else told me that I should.” for bonus points look for evidence that corroborates or explodes your ideas.  Listen to people that you don’t agree with.  Read a few banned or despised books.

Reject Laziness: Making your life better is hard work. Human beings hate hard work – just like every other mammal we don’t spend calories unless we have to. In the case of human beings that includes not even thinking if we don’t have to. Any time we try something hard, a little voice crops up in our head looking for short cuts, tricks, excuses, reasons to be offended, and feelings of inadequacy it can use to make you stop burning calories. Give up your excuses, or find someone who will hold you accountable and take them away.

Demand Results: Stop looking for nice ideas that make you feel good; look for ideas that have a good logical basis and some scientific evidence to back them up. Don’t accept any plan, pitch, or idea just because it “seems intuitive.”, ask how you will measure your results. Stop listening to what people say, and start looking at their actions and their track record. When you set goals, make sure you know how to measure whether or not you have met them at the end of the day.

Live in Your Body: Lift. Run. Dance. Learn how to fight.  Spend some time outdoors.  Eat food that is good for you.  Men are physical creatures, and unless we are living in and loving our bodies, we are not whole.

Ask for What You Want: Whether it is a raise, help on a project, a new job, or a blowjob, if you really want it you have to start asking for it.  Stop expecting people to read your mind.  Don’t fool yourself by imagining that there is a rule somewhere that says that someone else has to give you X just because you did Y. Learn to state honestly what you want in a way that is straight-up, simple, and respectful instead of playing games. (For starters learn Assertiveness.) And be ready to accept it if you hear “No.”

Be Worthy of What You Want: Only a fool or a thief expects something for nothing. If you want a raise, you had better have the performance record to show that you deserve it.  If you want a blowjob, you had better be well, dressed, attractive, and confident.  Be ready to have something to offer that the other person wants for any request…

Carry Yourself Well: …In fact, you had better be well dressed, as attractive as you can manage, and confident anyway; they make it easier for people to say “Yes.” Don’t fool yourself, either, status matters, and how you present yourself is going to establish your status. Status comes from showing up with confidence, style, and respect; including the respect you show yourself.  Fine, well-maintained, quality possessions can definitely help here… but only if you have the personal substance to go with them. Nobody likes an empty suit.

Learn to say “No.”Every human being has the right to say “No.”;  we never have the right to force people to do anything against their will. Respect is, at its heart, remembering that people don’t have to do a damn thing for you, and so when they do something for you it is because they want to, and they can walk if they want to as well.  To get other people’s respect you both have to be respectful and show that you respect yourself; and that means saying “No.”, “Not right now.” or “Not under these circumstances.” when you don’t want to do something and stick to that answer.

Stop Worshiping Things: TVs, Computers, Cars, Houses, Designer Suits… these are just stuff. They can’t make you happy, and are only worth your time when they help you be happier (See “Carry Yourself Well” above.)  If you are busting your ass to pay for a car you don’t drive or a house you are never in, then who owns who?  If you try to buy confidence and status by paying for the most expensive things you can (or maybe can’t) afford, rather than having things that attract attention long enough for people to see the substance of the man within them, your problem is even bigger. Getting perspective on what money really is, and what really matters in life when you are breathing your last few breaths is critical.

Stand for Something: Real morals are not negotiable. They don’t go away when they are inconvenient.  If you aren’t willing to stand up and say “No.” fir your beliefs when it hurts, then you don’t really believe them.  Figure out what your code is, and what is and is not negotiable in your life. Be ready to draw a line in the sand where you have compromised your morals in the past, and stop tolerating ongoing behaviour that doesn’t sit with them. If you have done things that are not in  line with the man you want to be, start making amends right now.

Make a Difference: You don’t need to know your life’s purpose to start making the world a better place – although you will want to figure that out eventually.  But in the meantime, if there is a change you want to make in the world, or a legacy you want to leave start taking some actions towards it.  And remember that Activism is not Action… it is whining. Nobody needs their awareness raised, they need shelters built. Wrongdoers don’t need protests, they need competition.  Real change happens when honest people start trying to make a difference by putting things into the world.

All you need to do to be happier tomorrow is start with a few steps today.  You don’t need to undertake the whole journey. Start asking yourself a few honest questions, making a few changes where your actions don’t mesh with your beliefs, say no to an obnoxious situation that you are tolerating, even just upgrading your clothes and walking with your head up.  See what a difference a little courage can have to your mental health. You’ll want to keep going.

5 thoughts on “Get Your Balls Back

  1. Three things that stand out in this:

    It doesn’t matter whether or not you believe you aren’t a monster. Your opinion is irrelevant in this. It’s what other people believe you are that matters. Throughout most of the article, this comes through, stuff like status mattering and nobody giving a damn about your problems. If somebody else believes you are the problem, you have a problem.

    You have a right to say no. Reality is that you have less right to have this listened to. Like you have a right to an opinion but no right to have anyone give a damn.

    Finally, how does “stop trying to impress people” square with ” make no mistake, status matters”. Empirically, a lot of what people do to improve themselves has zero effect on their status, simply because their self-improvement doesn’t impress others. Not because what they are doing isn’t worthwhile, but because you get apples and oranges situations.

    I know we’ve had this conversation before, but that last line is rocks in the river again: a splash, some ripples, then the river keeps rolling unchanged.

    1. Actually, believing you are or are not a monster makes a massive difference. The fact of the matter is that most people only bully those who are willing to play along with a script they have in mind. If you agree with the horrible accusations other people make of you, then any abuse they throw at you, you accept, or try and modify. For example, if I tell you that “all men are rapists” and you think that maybe that is true, then all you can do is meekly try and persuade me that you are not like most men. The burden falls on you to absolve yourself of original sin. If on the other hand you refuse to believe that, when I start abusing you, you can say: “Unless you can back up that claim with real proof, I am not interested in hearing the rest.”

      More important, if you accept the toxic ideas that you are some kind of a monster, it will eat away at your mental health. It will make shame a constant companion; you’ll spend a lot of energy apologizing for who you are or trying to make up for your identity. It will hold you back from going bodly into the world and do what you need to do to be happy.

      For that matter, as long as we stand for abusive bullshit ideas, the more we let other people get away with these bullshit ideas, then the more they proliferate. If we accept these ideas, especially when they are thrown in our faces, then they will keep getting thrown in the faces… of little boys who have no defense. Of politicians who will happily give the loudest most toxic segments of our population rewards to buy votes.. of men who are so ground down and guilty that they might end their lives over it.

      People do not have the right to abuse you. They do not have the right to puke vitriol into the noosphere and go unchallenged. Your opinion doesn’t have a right to be heard, but neither does theirs. Your choice not to listen, and even to offer alternatives creates competition in the marketplace of ideas. Why do you think these bullies are trying so hard to control what is said in the academy and the media? They know their ideas are weak and often reprehensible, and all it takes is enough people saying no in a strong way for their ideas to die, and for them to lose the political power they currently enjoy.

      As to the status issue: I sussed it out in an article today. The short version: status can be gained in a few different ways. Some involve trying to manipulate the opinions of others to get them to hold you in high esteem. Some involve treating yourself with respect, which has the side effect of causing others to do the same. The former involves bullying and brown-nosing, the latter involves dressing and acting well for you, or because you know that it makes you more emotionally healthy, or because you know that your deportment is a tool to help you accomplish bigger goals.

      Finally, on the stone in the river – I reject the philosophy of stoicism. I may not create the world I want through my efforts, but at least I move it in small increments to one closer to my vision. Accepting that you have no influence ensures that you do not exert any at all. Moreover, it is a philosophy that makes you the perfect human sacrifice: if you do not believe in your own potential, you allow yourself to be passively exploited and abused by the people who will use you as an emotional punching bag, an ideological pawn, or as mere tax cattle. Also, stoicism invites moral cowardice; if we accept that we can change nothing, then we can sit idly by as evil men do what they please and convince ourselves that we have no reason to stand up to them. I am not a rock sitting still on the riverbed. I am a man paddling a kayak on the river’s surface… I cannot control everything about the motion of my vessel, but I might still go where I wish to get by paddling hard and planning my route.

      Is my belief in having free will delusional? Possibly. But better to be wrong and lead a life full of hope, than right and live in passive despair.

      1. I think this is an issue of perspective. You’re right, if YOU think you are a monster, you have a problem. However, by denying that you are a monster, and even being able to present data to support this, will not make the problem go away. The marketplace of ideas seems largely moribund, and seems generally to have always been dominated by opinion, rather than by facts. The rhetorical seems largely to have been hijacked by the principle of never letting the truth get in the way of a good story.

        Status – well, you covered that!

        Now, the rock in the river really is a matter of perception! You are paddling along the river, getting where you want to go. In my perception, the existence of the river is in itself the problem. Paddling along/across/up the river isn’t addressing the problem – the river is still there. Throw a rock in the river – splash, ripple, river’s still there. Throw enough rocks you can divert the river, build a dam, dig a new channel, but the river continues to exist. The changes you make alter the river a bit, but it’s still a river. What do you do? I’m not sure this is stoicism, cost/benefit analysis or a failure of imagination to perceive a tool sufficient for the job!

    1. Hi, Arnold – I’m currently doing a major overhaul of a pending book that is a really big version of this article with a lot of specific actions you can take to make yourself a happier, healthier man. It may be awhile yet before I am happy enough with it to publish. In the meantime, I am working on creating a few short ebooks on particular topics. Right now I am working on one for helping a person make effective long-term plans, and will be revising my book on the art of making friends.

      I am also happy to help personally if there is a specific issue you’d like me to cover here, or privately. I am always happy to comp a coaching session to a reader. Feel free to drop me a line.

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